aversive asexual erasure: maybe it’s just me?

I’ve been extremely indecisive over writing this post because I feel like maybe I’m just paranoid or imagining all this. It seems like, whenever I see a definition or a discussion of asexuality, there is a lot of effort to point out that “many asexuals enjoy sex!” or “many asexuals compromise and agree to have sex to please their partners!” or even “many asexuals identify as sex-positive!” And of course, all these things are true and need to be said. But there doesn’t seem to be an equal amount of effort in pointing out that “many asexuals are deeply uncomfortable with sex and want nothing to do with it” or “many asexuals are not willing to have sex, even if they’re in a romantic partnership”. Am I imagining this, or does it seem like people don’t talk about aversive asexuals?

Does it seem to anyone else like the asexual movement doesn’t want aversive asexuals to be part of its public face? Like, there seems to be a focus on showing how asexuals really aren’t that different from *sexual people after all? Like there’s a subconscious attempt to “normalize” asexuality by showing off aces who seem “more human” and “less weird” to the *sexual majority?

Or if there are prominent aversive asexuals in the ace community, they don’t talk openly about aversiveness as much as sexually active aces talk about being sexually active and sex-positive aces talk about being sex-positive?

This is actually one of the main reasons I left AVEN. While I never experienced any direct bullying or shaming for being aversive, I also felt like there was a pervasive attitude that indifferent asexuals are the “real” asexuals and aversives are somehow pathological, or are actually sex-phobic rather than asexual as an orientation.

I don’t know. This could all be in my head. I just thought I’d put it out there and see if anyone else has gotten a similar impression.

First published 7 Dec. 2011 on sidneyia.tumblr.com 

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2 Responses to aversive asexual erasure: maybe it’s just me?

  1. morethanx says:

    I’ve noticed something similar, and Greg over at the Dapper Ace did a video on it. I think a lot of it is to do with the ‘unassailable asexual’ – if you’re aversive people are more likely to write it off as past trauma/psychological reasons, as well as wanting to present asexual people as ‘not that different’. Never mind that lots of *sexual people are aversive to sex with people they aren’t attracted to.

  2. courtneywilliams says:

    I came here via your comment on Queereka, and having read this I realise I may have fallen into the same traps. At the same time, I tried to make it clear that even if someone is uncomfortable with sex, it doesn’t mean they have something wrong with them, look down on anyone sexual or are against sex, which is what some people seem to think. I’m not sure, this might be the problem, or I may not have made it clear enough. I think I may have inadvertently minimised aversive asexual people in section six particularly. Sorry about that anyway – I will definitely be more careful in future.

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